


Mistletoe and Wine

by Morgan (morgan32)



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Multi, Seasonal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-07-19
Updated: 2009-07-19
Packaged: 2017-10-02 10:59:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morgan32/pseuds/Morgan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A kiss under the mistletoe leads to misunderstandings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Christmas Eve

Daniel turned off the shower, groped for a towel and stepped out into the steam-filled room. He rubbed himself down quickly while the extractor fan took care of the steam and folded the towel over the rail. He went to the basin to shave. He looked at the razor in his hand for a few moments, and changed his mind. He would probably end up cutting himself, and he was certain he didn't want to arrive at Jack's party with blood on his shirt. He opened the mirrored cabinet above the basin and extracted his electric razor instead. No aftershave...not tonight.

That essential task completed, Daniel ran a comb through his hair and studied himself in the mirror. He was fairly happy with what he saw. His skin had been tanned golden by half a dozen alien suns, and the physical demands of his job had given him a wiry, well-toned musculature. His hair was short, still too-short to his eyes, though he had long since become used to the changed style. Few people would now mistake him for the soft, naive academic who joined the SGC five years before. That had been why he had cut his hair...he had wanted to fit in. He wanted to be someone Jack would be proud to have on his team, instead of someone tolerated because he had a few useful skills. Oh, he knew _Jack_ didn't think that way. But a lot of men at the SGC did.

It had worked. Daniel blended in so well Jack barely noticed him any longer. Tonight, Daniel was going to make sure Jack noticed.

He was probably wasting his time. Daniel knew Jack's feelings for Sam; despite the couple's efforts to keep whatever was between them a secret, just about everyone knew there was _something_ there. On the other hand, Daniel was fairly sure they weren't actually involved. He had even asked Jack about it: Jack said they were just friends. Besides, Sam's job meant too much to her for her to willingly flaunt the regs, and Jack...in his own way, he was a by-the-book man, too. 

_They had been sharing a beer or six at Jack's home. Intended as a celebration after their successful conclusion of the Tok'ra treaty, the celebratory mood was muted by the other things that had happened. Martouf's death...Daniel could only imagine what Sam must be feeling tonight. And the things that had been said between Jack and Sam. _

_Daniel had wanted to celebrate until he heard that. He almost lost Jack today. He had been happy Jack was alive. Until, over the third or fourth beer, Jack told him what had really happened. The real reason Anise's machine had misread him...and Sam._

_He drained the bottle he was holding, meeting Jack's eyes. "Are you saying you're in love with Sam?" he asked nervously. Just forming the words hurt him. He found himself praying Jack couldn't tell._

_Jack's eyes closed. He took his time answering, each second stretching out into hours. He sighed heavily. "I don't know, Daniel. I...love her, at least. Weird, huh?"_

_"And Sam? She feels the same way?"_

_Jack's eyes met his in silence. Daniel nodded, understanding._

_"It's not like we can do anything about it, Daniel," Jack added, opening another bottle._

_"You can't?" Daniel accepted the bottle from Jack, but didn't drink._

_"There are regulations."_

_That, Daniel didn't truly understand. It was almost an admission that Jack didn't really love her. Daniel couldn't imagine letting something as simple as a rulebook stand between him and...and Sha're. "The rules can't be that important," he suggested._

_"It would ruin her career," Jack said. "You know as well as I do how important that is to Sam. If it were just me...my career...well, that's different."_

_"Have you even talked to Sam?"_

_Jack shook his head. "Don't need to. She said 'It doesn't have to leave this room.' That's clear enough, isn't it?"_

_It didn't sound clear at all to Daniel, especially not coming from Sam. But he dropped the subject. Daniel had seen the loneliness that Jack felt. He wanted his friend to be happy. If that meant with Sam...he would live with it. But he couldn't bring himself to encourage it._

It wasn't "regs" that stood in Daniel's way. It was just fear. Too much fear. If Jack truly did love Sam...his fear was justified.

Which was the reason Daniel fully expected his plans for the night to "crash and burn", as Jack would probably put it. 

Despite his lack of optimism, Daniel had to _try_. He had thought about this for too long, imagined the best and worst case scenarios, fought off his doubts and found all new ones, brooded over it, _obsessed_ over it until he knew he couldn't go another day without telling Jack how he felt. He had to at least _try_. If Jack was horrified, or just not interested...at least he would know he'd given it his best shot.

Before taking a shower, Daniel had laid out the clothes he planned to wear. Simple, black underwear. Heavy, black denim pants, straight cut. The denim hugged his ass and thighs, but was looser around his knees and calves. A faux-snakeskin belt with a plain silver buckle. And a pale blue, collarless shirt. He dressed quickly, but as he was buttoning the shirt, he stopped. Blues and greys were what he always wore, out of uniform. Maybe he could try something different. He opened his closet and spent a few minutes searching before he drew out a silk shirt he had never worn before. One of those impulse buys that he'd regretted the moment he got it home. It was a poet's shirt, winter white with subtle embroidery in desert colours at the collar and cuffs. He slipped the shirt over his head. The silk was cool against his skin. Sensual. Daniel liked the feel of it. It was designed to be worn loose, with the neck open. Daniel didn't have that much courage: he laced the shirt almost all the way to his neck. A pair of chunky black shoes completed the ensemble.

Looking at his reflection again, Daniel didn't recognise himself. A young lothario looked back at him from the mirror, an image from the cover of a romance novel. The winter white shirt darkened his hair and brightened his eyes. He decided to forget his glasses tonight. Daniel turned, looking at his reflection from all angles. Was it too much? Too...gay? Maybe it was. Maybe he should wear the other shirt. 

He began to unlace the shirt. At that moment he heard a knock at his door. Damn! Was it that late already? He grabbed his watch from beside the bed and hurried to the door, fumbling with the watch strap as he walked. 

Janet Fraiser was there, waiting for him. Daniel's car had been giving him trouble, but he hadn't found time to get it looked at. Janet had heard about it, and offered to drive him to Jack's place for the party. He opened the door wide, inviting her in. Her eyes widened when she saw him. 

Daniel saw the look. "Yeah, I know. I look like an idiot. Give me a second to change."

"Are you crazy?" Janet demanded. "Daniel, you look incredible. Don't you dare change." She smiled, her look becoming appraising. "Whoever she is, she's a lucky girl."

Daniel felt heat rise into his cheeks. "Wh-what?" 

"You look like you're trying to impress someone, that's all. Between you and me, I think it'll work. Are you ready to go?"

Daniel glanced down at his shirt again. He really should change. But Janet's endorsement boosted his confidence and he nodded. "I'm ready." He picked up his jacket, and the carefully wrapped package that was his Christmas gift to Jack, and followed Janet out of the door.

***

"What did you expect me to say?" Jack asked Sam, as the strains of music in the next room died away. They were in Jack's kitchen, ostensibly getting more beer for the party. Jack felt awkward. They shouldn't be having this conversation, and Sam knew it as well as he did. They were friends, but he was also her CO. It wasn't always possible to separate the two.

Sam's face fell and she turned away from him. "I hoped you would understand, sir."

"Where did the 'sir' come from? It was 'Jack' a moment ago." He picked up one of the beer bottles and opened it. "Sam, I do understand. I'm just...surprised." In the living room someone had changed the CD to a collection of Christmas carols and music began to war with conversation once more.

She grinned suddenly, the expression instantly wiped away. "So was I." She leaned against the kitchen table, meeting his eyes. "Look, Jack, you and I...we've been..."

Light dawned, and Jack understood what she was saying at last. He reached out to touch her shoulder. Sam was wearing a dark green bolero jacket over a white dress. Jack hadn't seen her in a dress often. She looked good in it. He stifled a self-mocking smile. Typical of him to notice her _now_. "We've been stepping around each other for a while, and you wanted to set me straight. So to speak."

Sam nodded. "I know the regs, sir, but..."

"Forget the regs. This conversation isn't happening, we both know that." Her shoulder was warm beneath his hand and he withdrew his touch, feeling awkward again. "Were you worried you'd hurt my feelings?" he asked. He left the more important question unspoken: had she thought he might report her? If so, Jack was offended: he thought she knew him better than that.

Sam glanced down again, avoiding his eyes. When she looked up again, it was with a wry smile. "Well..."

"You thought you'd be breakin' my heart?" he guessed, returning her smile. "Sorry to disappoint you." Sam's eyes asked a question and he couldn't help feeling he owed her an answer. He took a mouthful of beer, covering his hesitation. It was then he noticed where she was standing. His smile remained as he lowered the beer bottle. "I'd be lying if I said I've never thought about it, Sam. I mean, you and me...that way. And when I said I care about you more than I should...that was true. Still is. I think I convinced myself it was more than it really is, especially after you said...what you said. But that was months ago, and since then I realised I was wrong...about a lot of things."

Sam looked into his eyes for a moment, then nodded. "It was the same for me. I think...I think I was looking for a father."

"Well, _that_ makes me feel old," Jack joked, a little hurt by that.

Sam shook her head. "God, no. I didn't mean I wanted a father figure. I _have_ a father. I meant...I want kids, Jack. Not now, but someday. You were the first man I could picture as father of my children."

A wonderful feeling of warmth rose within him when he heard those words. Jack tried to speak, but found himself stumbling over the words. "Sam...I..." He reached for her hand. "That's quite a Christmas gift, Sam. Thank you. For the compliment." Impulsively, he brought her fingers to his lips. A part of him shied away from the clichéd gesture, but that wasn't the part in control in that moment. Then he leaned forward and kissed her gently on her lips. He didn't hurry the kiss, but it was a chaste gesture, no promise or demand in it.

When he drew back, she was looking up at him again, her blue eyes wide with surprise.

"Merry Christmas, Sam," Jack said. Grabbing an armful of beer bottles, including his own, he left her alone.

For a few moments, Sam stood there, motionless, trying to puzzle him out. Then it occurred to her to look up. Hanging from the kitchen ceiling above her head was a large woven wreath of holly and mistletoe.

***

They were late reaching Jack's house. The party could be heard from the street. The front door had been left unlatched, so they let themselves in. Daniel helped Janet with her coat, thanking her for the ride. He turned to hang both of their coats in the closet, but it was already over-full.

"I'll leave our coats in Jack's bedroom. He won't mind. Enjoy the party, Janet."

"Thanks," she smiled.

Daniel set off to Jack's room, avoiding the living room. The house was full of people...had Jack invited everyone on the base? It seemed possible. The noise level from conversation alone was high enough. He knew his way around Jack's house, and found the bedroom quickly. Several other people had had the same idea as he: a number of coats were already scattered haphazardly across Jack's bed. He laid Janet's coat on the top of the collection, and added his own jacket. His gift for Jack was still in the inner pocket of the jacket. It would be safe. Daniel wanted to give it to Jack personally...after. He hesitated before leaving the room, his gaze on Jack's bed. Now he was here, at the party, his plan seemed foolish. What chance would there be for private conversation with all these people here?

An image rose to his mind of this room in darkness. Of himself, lying on the bed with Jack above him, both of them naked. Then the older memory-image intruded, as it always did: darkness, and pain, a threatening voice at his ear. And Daniel was standing on a high ledge, nothing below him but darkness, nothing to hold onto but despair...Jack's voice brought him back. Jack gave him something to hold. 

Daniel's mouth felt dry. What if Jack didn't want him? What if he was offended? What if Jack _did _want him, but wanted more than Daniel could give him? This was insane.

He shook  himself out of the memories and half-formed fears. He had decided, this was the night. If he couldn't tell Jack tonight, he never would. And he would spend the rest of his life on that ledge.

There was no mirror in the room, but he remembered Janet's approval with warmth. He trusted her, and she said he looked good. He took a deep breath and left the room to face whatever was coming.

His mouth was still dry as bone. He needed a drink...but he should probably stay off the alcohol. Water would do for now. He reached the kitchen, and hearing Jack's voice within slowed his pace. Just the sound of Jack's voice sent a thrill through him (Oh, yeah, Daniel, you've got it bad), but at the same time he held back. Why was he reluctant? He _wanted_ Jack to see him, didn't he? That was the whole point. He looked through the open door, a smile and a greeting on his lips.

Just in time to see Jack kissing Sam, full on her lips.

The smile vanished, the greeting died unuttered. Real pain lanced through his guts. He couldn't breathe. Daniel backed away from the door and fled the way he had come.

Jack and Sam. He knew...they all knew...but he never thought... They had plenty of opportunities and nothing ever happened. Jack had even told him it was over, _Jack_ told him! Daniel had thought — had hoped — that meant he could at last be honest with Jack.

He had obviously left it too late.

His Jack...would never be his. He reached Jack's bedroom again. The room had its own bathroom. Daniel went in there and locked the door behind him. He leaned back against the door. He felt weak. There was no air in the room. Oh, god, _why_? Why did he let himself hope?

***

Jack grabbed another beer and headed over to the stereo to change the CD for something a little more upbeat than Christmas carols. As he turned away someone called his name and he joined a conversation. Something nice and trivial: just what he needed for now. 

On the periphery of his vision he saw Sam talking with Janet. He couldn't help himself: he watched the two women for a while, paying only cursory attention to the conversation around him. They were evidently close, but nothing in their demeanour suggested they were more than friends. It was just as well. Jack wouldn't even consider reporting what Sam told him, but there were some who would, and Sam's career would be in serious trouble if that happened. Relieved that he wouldn't have to cover up for her, Jack placed Sam's little revelation in his mental "need to know" file, and tried to forget it.

He was happy to have cleared the air with Sam. Ever since that dumb incident with the Tok'ra machine things had felt weird between them. If he had needed a reason to dislike the Tok'ra... Being forced to admit to feelings he hadn't fully realised himself had confused him no end. Part of him wanted to screw the regs, and just give it a shot, and he thought Sam might have been willing. Something held him back though, so he stayed confused, tried to deal with it on his own. Until he had finally recognised what was really going on in his head, what was holding him back.

Or rather, _who_ was holding him back. But if the regs stood in the way of his relationship with Sam, they were certainly an issue if he considered a relationship with...

Jack looked for Daniel, but didn't see him in the room. That was odd: he thought Daniel was coming with Janet. He thought about asking her, but decided to wait. Sam and Janet probably wanted some time together. They didn't need him butting in. He spent the next hour or so doing all the things he should do as the host of the party: talking to people, making sure everyone had enough to drink, and enough to eat. Saying "Merry Christmas" so often he considered playing Scrooge next year instead.

Finally, he managed to speak with Janet about Daniel. 

"We came together, yes. He took our coats to your room, Colonel, then..." she shrugged. "Come to think of it, I haven't seen him since. I hope that's good news."

"Good news?" Sam asked, frowning.

Janet smiled. "Daniel didn't admit it, but I think he was hoping to find someone here. Someone special. He was dressed to kill, Sam, you wouldn't have recognised him."

She was still frowning. "You think maybe they left together? It's not like Daniel to leave without saying anything."

"I'll find him," Jack suggested. "You two relax and enjoy the party."

Janet said, "Actually, I should leave now. Unlike SG1, I have to work tomorrow."

Jack nodded. "Then I'll wish you Merry Christmas now. Don't worry about Daniel. If he's still here I'm sober enough to drive him home."

He accompanied Janet to his bedroom to collect her coat, and noticed Daniel's jacket was still there. That answered the question of whether or not he had left the party. As they left the bedroom Jack noticed that his bathroom door was closed, with light showing in the crack beneath the door. He shrugged to himself, not considering it significant. There was no law against someone taking a leak.

Janet's exit seemed to signal a general exodus. It was almost midnight, and a lot of the people there, like Janet, had to be at the SGC the following day. By one in the morning Jack was refusing offers to help him clean up and saying goodbye to the last of his guests. He still hadn't seen Daniel. Well, it was possible he had ducked out and forgotten the jacket. On impulse, he dialled Daniel's number, but he got the answering machine. "Daniel," he said sharply. "Daniel, if you're there, please pick up." He waited, but there was no answering click. Nothing. He hung up.

Jack looked around the living room. Bottles and used glasses stood in every available space. A corner of the room was filled with brightly coloured paper torn off gifts. Jack was too tired to begin cleaning now. It would wait. It wasn't as if he had plans for tomorrow. He went to his bedroom, and saw the bathroom door was still closed. His veins flooded with ice.

_We came together...I haven't seen him since._

Jack turned the handle. Not surprisingly, the door was locked. He tapped on the door. "Who's in there? Daniel?" There was no reply. He knocked again, louder. "Daniel? Answer me!" No answer.

Jack was giving serious consideration to breaking down the door when it opened. Daniel stood in the doorway, blinking owlishly against the light.

For a second, Jack just stared, taken aback. Daniel's clothing...wow, that was different. Janet's remark to Sam made sense: Daniel looked amazing. Lust threaded its insistent way through his loins. Then he met Daniel's eyes. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot. He had been crying. 

"How long have you been in there, Daniel?" he asked gently.

Daniel shrugged. "I don't know. A while."

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. I'm fine."

"Why don't I believe you?"

Daniel pushed past him. "I'm fine, Jack," he insisted. "I just...I got some bad news."  

"Want to talk about it?"

"No!"

That was forceful. Jack held up two hands as if fending off an attack. "You're obviously upset. I want to help."

"_You_ can't!" Daniel snapped. Then, "Jack, I'm sorry. I just want to go home."

_You spent three hours crying in a bathroom, and you think I'm going to let you go home. Think again, Danny-boy._ The memory of Daniel standing on his balcony, on the wrong side of the guardrail, still haunted him. While Jack knew that had been because of that "Light", the incident had scared him. A lot. Jack remembered what suicidal depression felt like. His intuition told him that day hadn't been the first time Daniel had stood on that balcony, thinking the unthinkable. Jack couldn't ask him, but he wouldn't take chances with Daniel again.

Jack forced a smile. "You missed the party. I'll take you home if you want, but I could use a hand getting the place tidy. If you're willing." He would take Daniel home if he insisted, but there was no way he would leave him alone.

Daniel looked at him for a long moment. Jack waited, inwardly urging him to agree. 

Finally Daniel shrugged. "Okay. Sure. What would you like me to do?"

Daniel helped him carry beer bottles to the trash, and stack the dishwasher with used glasses and plates. Daniel still wanted to go home. Jack pleaded over-indulgence in the beer (not true) and said he'd make coffee and finish the washing up, then drive Daniel home. Daniel still seemed unhappy, but he didn't insist on calling a cab. He agreed to wait. 

Jack made coffee, but it was only for appearances sake: he didn't drink it. He wanted to sleep at some point tonight. He did wash up, though, killing time, giving Daniel a chance to rest and relax. When he was done, he headed back into the living room, prepared to argue with Daniel again if he had to. 

Daniel was curled up on his couch, asleep. Jack stood and watched him for a moment. Daniel was incredible. The outfit was gorgeous: the now-crumpled white silk made his tanned skin glow, and the style was so...so Daniel. Unique without being eccentric. Daniel should have been at the party: he would really have stood out in the crowd.

He was dreaming. As Jack watched Daniel stirred in his sleep, mumbling something. Jack was tempted to leave him there. Daniel needed sleep. But if he slept on the couch he would pay for it tomorrow. Jack reached out, touching Daniel's shoulder. "Daniel," he said softly. He had a sudden impulse to kiss him awake. 

Daniel's eyes opened and he saw Jack leaning over him. "Jack?" he said. He sounded confused, but he had just woken up. Daniel struggled to sit up. Jack helped him automatically, then sat down beside him.

"Daniel, I really think..." he began. He broke off, shocked to see tears brimming in Daniel's eyes. This wasn't like Daniel at all. He had said he received some bad news, but what could possibly be _this_ bad? The only time Jack remembered seeing Daniel this upset was when Sha're died. Jack gathered his friend into his arms and held him tight. "Whatever is wrong, Daniel, it'll be alright. We'll find a way to fix it."

Christmas could do this to people, he knew. His own first Christmas after his son died had been a nightmare. With every TV station promoting the season of joy and goodwill, every movie about family fun or romance or children...being alone could be tough. But this had to be more than a case of the holiday blues. Jack could feel Daniel's shoulders shaking beneath his hands. He simply held him, keeping up the soft litany, comforting Daniel like a child. But at the same time, he was acutely aware that Daniel was not a child. Daniel's body, so close to his, was a man's body. His heart and mind, too, were those of an adult, with an adult's needs...and desires.

Aware of his own desires, Jack drew back, suddenly uncomfortable. "What happened, Daniel?"

"Nothing...I..."

"Hey. No lies. Say 'It's none of your goddamned business, Jack' or tell me what's wrong. But don't lie to me."

He saw Daniel hesitate. Daniel said, "There was someone I...love. Someone I wanted to talk to tonight. I've wanted to say something for so long, Jack, but I was scared. Scared of the answer being no...even more scared of it being yes. But I decided, tonight I would..."

Past the growing constriction of his throat, Jack said, "And she turned you down?"

Daniel shook his head miserably. "I didn't get a chance to say anything. I found out tonight...there's someone else. I saw th-them together."

Jack understood that feeling. "Ouch. I'm so sorry, Daniel." He didn't ask who they were talking about. He didn't want to know. Regret filled him, mingled with his concern for his friend. "Couldn't you say your piece anyway? It might not be serious...maybe you'd still have a chance." His own heart breaking at the thought of Daniel with someone else, Jack wondered who would be insane enough to turn Daniel down. Whoever this unknown woman was, Jack envied her. Daniel's love was worth having.

Daniel stared at him, his eyes wide, shocked. "Are you crazy? I couldn't do that, Jack! If y-they are happy..." Tears filled his eyes again, "I can't get in the way."

_That sort of nobility will kill you, Danny._ "Maybe you're right, I don't know." Jack sighed. "Look, Daniel, I really don't think you should be alone right now. Why don't you stay the night here?"

"But tomorrow's Christmas."

"Actually, that would be today - midnight was a few hours ago. Do you have plans?"

Daniel bowed his head. "I hoped I would... No. I don't have plans."

"Me neither. Teal'c was going to be here, but when we were given the week off he went to visit his son instead. And I hate being alone Christmas day." He smiled encouragingly. "We can cook a huge Christmas dinner. I'll make mulled wine. We can watch the football together. Or whatever you like. What do you say?"

Daniel seemed reluctant, but he nodded. "Okay. But I don't have any clothes or..."

"Excuses, excuses. I have a spare toothbrush. If there's anything wrong with what you're wearing, I can loan you some sweats. It's settled. You're staying."

***

Why was he here? Lying in bed, safe and warm in Jack's spare room, Daniel couldn't answer that question. When Jack called him out of the bathroom earlier, all he had wanted to do was get away. He had no idea how long he had been hiding in Jack's bathroom. He had planned to wait a few minutes, until he felt able to face a crowd of happy people. But he couldn't stop brooding over what he had seen in the kitchen. When he tried, older memories intruded. A different kind of pain.

He remembered lying down on the couch when Jack left him alone. Remembered listening to Jack moving around the kitchen. He let himself pretend that the sounds he heard were commonplace, that he belonged there, in Jack's home. The simple fantasy merged into a dream. A dream of Jack, waking him with a kiss and telling him he loved him...and then Jack _had_ awakened awakened him. The memory of the dream was so close...but so was the memory of Jack kissing Sam.

He remembered Jack holding him close. Daniel hated himself for crying like a baby. But there were compensations. It felt _good_ to be held by Jack. Held, right there in the centre of Jack's world. Right where Daniel so desperately wanted to belong.

It felt so good he hadn't been able to refuse Jack anything.

Jack...

The warmth of Jack's arms around Daniel's body...the smell of beer on his breath...

...The taste of imagined kisses he would never know for real...imagined hands moving over Daniel's body. Daniel groaned, giving in to his body's need, not caring that Jack, in the next room, could probably hear him. He stroked himself to orgasm, remembering Jack's body against his, and Jack's name was the gasp on his lips when he came. Almost immediately after, Daniel sank into an exhausted, dreamless sleep.


	2. Christmas Day

_None of it means anything...I try. It just...goes away._

_Okay. Well, we'll...uh...we'll get it back._

_You can't get it back...You don't even know what I'm talking about._

Jack woke early on Christmas morning, after a restless night. Images of Daniel on that balcony and the conversation he still didn't understand haunted his sleep.

After the usual morning rituals: shower, shave, dress, Jack headed into the kitchen. He paused outside the room where Daniel slept, listening. He heard a sigh, the slight creak of the mattress as Daniel shifted in his sleep. He had half expected Daniel to be gone when he woke. Reassured, he continued to the kitchen.

First priority: coffee. Jack knew Daniel's morning routines — this wasn't the first time Daniel had stayed over. Daniel wasn't much good for anything until he'd had his second cup of coffee. With the percolator doing its stuff, Jack discovered some bread rolls in the freezer and defrosted them for breakfast. Then he began searching for the makings of Christmas dinner. Jack had everything he needed: he had planned for Christmas dinner with Teal'c, before SG1 was unexpectedly granted the whole week off. Whenever they had more than a few days leave, Teal'c visited the Land of Light, to spend time with his son. Teal'c had apologetically cancelled their Christmas plans, but Jack hadn't minded. Family mattered more, he understood that, and Teal'c saw little enough of Ry'ac.

While he waited for breakfast to defrost, Jack chopped yams, glazed vegetables, and shoved the ham into the oven. Soon all the warm, familiar smells were filling the air. Jack wasn't exactly a gourmet cook, but he had lived alone long enough to be better than adequate. Dinner might not be perfect but it would be the best he could do. He was going to make sure Daniel had a happy Christmas.

_There was someone I...love._

To himself, Jack could admit he was jealous. It was hard to picture Daniel with someone else. It hurt. Jack wanted Daniel to be happy, but he wanted Daniel to be happy _with him_. Only him. He wanted Daniel...in his bed, not in his spare room. Wanted to hold him, skin to skin, to kiss him and make love to him...

Evidently, it wasn't going to happen.

"Jack?"

He turned and saw Daniel in the doorway, naked to the waist. The sight of the object of his fantasy hit Jack hard. His eyes took in the hard, well defined body and he clenched his fist, hoping Daniel wouldn't notice his body's reaction. This was what he had lost. Daniel...

"Merry Christmas, Danny," Jack smiled. "Coffee?"

"Merry Christmas, Jack. Um...could I borrow a sweater? My shirt looks like I slept in it."

_Probably because that's what you did. _"Sure. Help yourself to coffee. I'll go and find you something."

When Jack returned to the kitchen Daniel was leaning against the table, cradling a mug of coffee in his hands. He was right underneath the ring of holly and mistletoe. Someone had presented the huge wreath — it was more than a metre across — to Jack just before the party, suggesting he should hang it in the living room. Jack had declined the suggestion. He wanted the party to be fun, but that sort of fun could get out of hand when the alcohol started flowing. Not wanting to offend, he had hung the ring in the kitchen instead. There were already hooks in the kitchen ceiling: they made the perfect excuse. When Sam begged for a private meeting, Jack suggested they step into the kitchen as it was likely to be the only private room in the house. Sam stood herself directly under the mistletoe...leading Jack to expect something very different from what she had actually said.

That was in the past now.

He held out the sweater to Daniel. "I think it should fit you."

"Thanks." Daniel set his coffee aside to pull the sweater over his head. Then he looked up at Jack. "Why don't you have plans for today?"

"I do, now. You're here."

"I mean..." Daniel swallowed a gulp of coffee. "I thought you'd be...with Sam."

"With _Sam_? She's spending Christmas with Cassie as the Doc got stuck with the duty shift today." Jack frowned. "What made you think I'd have plans with her?"

"Aren't you two...together?"

Jack almost gasped in surprise. "No. Daniel, I thought you knew that."

Jack's heart leapt at the look Daniel gave him then. For an instant, the look in his eyes showed everything Jack had dreamed of seeing there. An instant later Jack was sure he had imagined it.

Daniel said, "B-but...I...I saw you kissing her!"

"When? Yesterday?" It had to be yesterday: that was the only time he had kissed Sam in recent memory. Had anyone else seen them? It had been innocent, but the explanations could be awkward. "Daniel, Sam is a friend, and a co-worker. That's all. She'll never be more than that." He took a step closer to Daniel. "I kissed her last night because she was standing under mistletoe." He looked up, pointedly, at the wreath above Daniel's head. "Just as you are right now. Shall I kiss you, too?"

"J-Jack, y-you...I...um...er...what..." Daniel stuttered, colour rising to his cheeks.

Jack was very tempted to carry out the threat, just to see what reaction he might get. The knowledge that he would probably get the wrong one held him back. Daniel would likely flee for the hills if he tried anything. Jack laughed. "Relax. I'm not going to kiss you."

_Someone I love...there's someone else...I saw them together._

Daniel had seen Jack kissing Sam... Was Daniel in love with _her_? _Oh, god, no. He doesn't deserve that._ Had Jack's denial of his relationship with Sam given Daniel false hope again? Daniel had no chance with Sam. She was with Janet. For Sam to take the risk of telling Jack about the relationship, it had to be serious. But Jack _couldn't_ tell Daniel the truth. He couldn't betray Sam's confidence.

***

Considering Jack hadn't planned for company, he seemed very organised to Daniel. Breakfast was hot bread rolls with butter and as much coffee as Daniel could drink. Most of the preparations for dinner were done by the time Daniel finished breakfast.

"You want to watch the football?" Jack asked him. It was the first thing he'd said since that dumb crack about mistletoe.

Daniel nodded. "Sure." He would actually enjoy the game. Nice, normal...reality. He followed Jack into the living room. Jack turned the television on and found the right channel but instead of sprawling on the couch as Daniel expected he went to the Christmas tree in the corner of the room. He turned on the lights, then picked out one of the gifts from beneath it.

"This is for you," Jack said, handing the package to Daniel.

Somehow Daniel had managed to forget that part of Christmas. Talk about distracted! He thought of his own gift for Jack, wondering where his jacket was. The gift was still in his pocket. He accepted the gift from Jack, taken aback by the size of it. It was a flat box, rectangular, more than a metre across its longest side. Eagerly he tore off the ribbon and lifted the lid off the box. From the shape he had expected a mirror or a picture frame. He'd been half right. It was a frame, but it was the picture in it that made him gasp. "Jack! It's beautiful!" A painting: Giza plateau at dawn. 

"It's not a print," Jack volunteered. "It's an original."

"But...my god, look at the colours! How can watercolours be so rich?" He looked up at Jack, unable to stop smiling. 

Jack returned his smile with a warmth that filled Daniel with a bittersweet mix of lust and longing. "Miriam can do wonders with watercolour. You should see her paintings of the Grand Canyon."

"I think I have..." Daniel answered, then realised what Jack had said. "You know the artist?"

"She and Sara are friends. Miriam had a big exhibition this summer and for some reason she invited me to the opening. When I saw this...I knew you'd like it."

"I do. Jack, it's amazing." That was why the style looked familiar. Daniel had attended that exhibition himself. He didn't remember seeing this piece though. Daniel set the picture aside reluctantly. "I don't know what to say. Jack...thank you. Where's my jacket? I have a gift for you, too."

"In the closet."

Daniel hurried to find Jack's gift. He was still blindsided by the painting. He had no idea what Jack had paid for it, but he knew what this artist's work was worth. Far more than anyone should spend on a Christmas present. Suddenly he was ashamed of his gift for Jack. It seemed cheap by comparison. He found his jacket and withdrew the slim package. At least it was still intact.

"Merry Christmas, Jack." He handed over the gift nervously.

Jack unwrapped the gift carefully, tearing along the seams as if he wanted to save the gift-wrapping for re-use. Daniel found he was holding his breath as Jack opened the box.

"Daniel! How did you know?"

He let his breath out explosively. Thrilled that Jack was pleased, Daniel was all smiles again. He knew because he was always watching Jack. He paid attention. On one of their missions a few weeks before Jack had lost his wristwatch. The next day he had been wearing a different watch, but either it was a 'second best' which had been kept in a drawer for a long time, or Jack had just bought the first, cheapest watch he could find. The strap was fabric, and it irritated Jack's skin. Daniel had noticed him scratching or rubbing his wrist a great deal recently. So, for Christmas he bought Jack a new watch. A good one, with a soft leather strap that wouldn't be an irritant. He had wanted to give Jack something personal...something intimate. This was perfect. But now it felt selfish now, too.

He said hopefully, "You like it?"

"It's perfect." Jack pulled the old watch from his wrist at once. "This thing has been driving me crazy. This is just what I wanted, Daniel." He buckled the new watch on, still smiling.

Jack had insisted he and Sam were not involved.

"Jack?" Daniel began. But when Jack's eyes met his, Daniel's courage failed him again. He said, "I'm glad you like the watch."

They settled down to enjoy the football together.

***

Dinner was wonderful. Instead of serving desert, Jack filled a punch bowl with hot mulled wine, made, or so he claimed, to an old family recipe. They shared the wine and talked for a few hours. Just about trivial stuff: movies and sport, with the TV as background noise. Daniel felt happier since learning Jack was still single. But he was still being a coward. That painting...Jack had gone to so much trouble. Was Daniel risking their friendship by telling Jack? 

Jack was almost asleep. Both of them were a little drunk, and Daniel was watching Jack openly, longing.

Maybe it was better this way. This way, there was no risk. He could stay on the safe side of the ledge. Daniel sighed, almost decided.

"Danny?" Jack opened one eye as he spoke.

"Yeah, Jack?" Daniel frowned: Jack looked uncomfortable suddenly. 

"Yesterday. What you said about why you were upset..."

Jack's words were more than a little slurred, it took a moment for Daniel to 'translate' what he said. When he did, Daniel, too, was uncomfortable. "Yes...?"

"Look, just tell me if I'm out of line, okay?" Jack sat up, blinking his eyes open. "You said this morning you saw me kissing Sam. Is it...it's not Sam, is it?"

Relief washed over him, followed immediately by utter confusion. Sam? Did Jack think Daniel would do that to him? Some friend! For a few seconds, Daniel couldn't speak. 

Finally, he spoke, keeping his tone as even as he could manage. "No, Jack. I wasn't talking about Sam."

Jack relaxed visibly. "I shouldn't have asked. It's none of my business."

"I was talking about you." Daniel held his breath.

Jack froze. "Say that again."

_Oh, god. Why did I say that?_ "Forget it," Daniel said hastily.

"No. Daniel, tell me what you just said."

Daniel's face was burning. "Jack, please," he begged desperately. "Just forget I said anything." He couldn't take Jack's eyes on him. Daniel stood, heading for the door. "I'm sorry," he tossed over his shoulder as he fled.

Jack's hand was on his arm, gripping hard, forcing him to turn around. "Me?" Jack's eyes bored into his. "You were talking about _me_?"

The pain in his arm was the final straw. Daniel panicked. "You're hurting me, Jack! Let me go!" He wrenched away from Jack's hands and ran to the door. But the door was closed, and in  his panic Daniel couldn't open it before Jack reached him.

"Daniel, please. Just tell me."

Daniel turned around, his back against the wall — literally and figuratively. He nodded miserably. "Yes. Happy now? It's you, Jack. I'm sorry..."

"I'm not."

Jack's fingers curled around his hand, drawing them closer together. With his other hand, he gently brushed Daniel's cheek. Daniel realised his face was wet. Jack gathered his tears onto the back of his hand.

"It's okay, Daniel. Don't be sorry." He leaned closer and kissed Daniel on his lips.

Daniel couldn't breathe. The entire world had shrunk to the space where they stood. Jack's mouth on  his was burning hot. Daniel was a second away from panic, desperately wanting this, yet terrified of it, too. Then he stopped thinking, as his body took over: his lips parted beneath Jack's, he moved into Jack's arms, felt Jack's tongue flicker across his...and had to pull away, gasping for air.

"Daniel?" Jack asked, concern written all over his face.

"Am I dreaming again?"

Jack smiled. "No, Danny. C'mere." He took Daniel's hand again, leading him back to the couch and sitting them both down. "Was this really all about me?"

More confident now, Daniel nodded. "I wanted to tell you, Jack. Then I saw you with Sam and I thought...it hurt. God, I..."

Jack's fingers gently covered his lips, cutting off the words. "I never meant to hurt you. Ever. I...I love you, Daniel."

Everything he wanted... Daniel closed his eyes as tears threatened again. It must be the wine. He was drunk, that was all. Suddenly, he was terrified he might wake up. Then Jack's fingers brushed his cheek again, slid around to the back of his neck and pulled him into a kiss.

***

For a long time, all they did was kiss, holding each other. It was more than enough for Jack. Just touching Daniel — being allowed to touch him — was an incredible thrill. Jack had been prepared to break his friend's heart again by telling him the truth about Sam and Janet, thinking that it would be better than letting Daniel get his hopes up again. He heard Daniel's denial that Sam was the object of his affection with relief, because he wouldn't have to betray Sam, and because he wouldn't have to hurt Daniel. Then Daniel mumbled something else, something Jack half-caught, but didn't dare to believe he'd heard correctly...except he had.

Daniel loved him!

Making out with Daniel was so much better than kissing Sam! And he hadn't even needed mistletoe. With Daniel in his arms, Jack lost track of time. He was getting turned on, his mind beginning to skip ahead to what more they might do, but he felt no urgency yet. Daniel showed no sign of wanting to move things along, and Jack was happy to wait. It could have been hours later when they finally broke apart.

"How long?" Jack whispered.

"Huh?" Daniel offered his best confused look.

"How long did you wait before telling me?"

"Oh. Um...forever. At least, that's what it felt like." Daniel snuggled into Jack's shoulder. "When we blew up Apophis' ships...you remember that?"

"Sure."

"I thought I was going to die up there. But I had to try...for Sha're. I made it back to Earth just as the ships blew. The General asked me if you were on the ships...and it hit me. I knew you were dead, and I knew..."

"And you waited _four years_?"

"Not that long. Back then...it wasn't even a question, Jack. I loved you...but I loved Sha're, too, and I was _married_. I just tried to forget it...or ignore it. Then she died and I felt so guilty, I couldn't say anything then, either. And the longer I waited, the harder it was. You and Sam..."

"I get it," Jack said, kissing the top of Daniel's head. "I love you," he whispered. It was easier to say each time. Daniel tilted his face up and Jack kissed him again. He slipped his hand beneath Daniel's borrowed sweater at the waist, seeking bare skin. He sighed into Daniel's mouth, beginning to want more than just a kiss. He ran his hand up Daniel's spine, deepening the kiss. 

And felt Daniel tense.

He stopped, withdrawing his hand.. "What's wrong? Don't you want...me?"

Daniel nodded silently. But he pulled away from Jack, putting some distance between their bodies. "I...um..." He swallowed. "I don't know," he mumbled.

Taking a guess at what was bothering his Daniel, Jack asked gently, "Danny, have you made love with a man before?"

Something like relief flashed across Daniel's face. He met Jack's eyes. "I've only ever made love with one person, Jack." He put a light emphasis on _made love_. "With Sha're," he added, as if that part wouldn't be obvious. "I mean...I know about...what men do...I've read about it...but..."

"You're a little scared of it?"

"Aren't you?" Daniel demanded, his eyes wide with surprise. Then he said, "You've done it before." It wasn't a question.

Suddenly embarrassed by Daniel's directness, Jack squirmed. "Um...yeah, I have. It's been...a few years...but..." _Come on, Jack, just spit it out. Danny won't tell._ "Daniel, Charlie Kawalski and I were lovers. Years ago, when we were both in Special Forces, and again after you came back from Abydos."

"Oh," Daniel said. Nothing else.

Jack swallowed. "Is that...a problem?"

"No, not a problem. It's just that..."

The telephone broke into what Daniel was saying. 

Jack would dearly have loved to ignore the call, but he couldn't. He was always on call for the SGC: if there was some emergency, he would be the first person they called. He picked up the phone praying it wasn't something important. "O'Neill."

"Colonel, it's me." Janet's voice. She was at work, today. This couldn't be good.

"What's up, Doc?"

"Have you heard from Daniel? I've been trying to call him all day, and I can't find him. I'm starting to get worried. After last night..."

"Slow down. You can stop panicking, Doc. Daniel's right here."

A brief silence, then, "Oh, thank God. After he disappeared last night..."

"I know. Everything's fine now."

"Wish him Happy Christmas for me. Thank you, Colonel."

When Jack hung up the phone and turned to Daniel, he saw him hunched over, his arms crossed on his knees. "That was Doc Fraiser. She... Is something wrong, Danny?"

Daniel nodded, not looking at Jack. "There's something...I need to tell you. Something...oh, god, this is hard."

"You don't have to..." Jack began.

"I do," Daniel interrupted. "Please, just listen."

"Okay."

"Janet knows...some of this. After the trouble we had on P4X-347, I...um...I faced up to some stuff."

"You mean the planet with that light machine?"

Daniel nodded. "Yes. You saved my life that day, when I..."

"I remember." Only too well. He had helped Daniel get back on the right side of the guardrail, and only when Daniel was safe had he looked down. That was the moment when he had known, finally and without any doubt, that he loved Daniel. He had looked down to the street below, and known that if Daniel had fallen...or jumped...he would have taken the best part of Jack with him. It was a terrifying thought.

Oblivious to Jack's thoughts, Daniel was still speaking. "I know it was the withdrawal that made me...depressed. But the stuff that was going on in my head...that was real, Jack. I had to deal with some things...part of it was what Shifu showed me about myself. But there was more..." He hesitated. "I asked Janet to help me find a therapist."

"You mean a shrink?"

"If you have to put it that way." Daniel's reply was defensive.

"Sorry. You know how I feel about that stuff. But...why didn't you go to McKenzie?"

"Because he's a quack. I don't trust him. He shoved me in a padded cell, remember? Jack, it took me a long time to get to the point where I could admit I needed help. Janet helped me find someone...if she hadn't I wouldn't be here now. Here, with you. So I have to tell you..."

Jack reached out toward Daniel, but Daniel shied away from the touch. "Don't, Jack."

"What is it? You can tell me anything."

Daniel was silent for a moment longer, then, not looking at Jack, he said, "When I was fourteen years old, I was raped."

Jack couldn't think of a reply.

"My foster parents...died...and my foster mom's brother took me in while Social Services got their act together. He...he came into my room at night and...and...I never told anyone. I was too scared. I was only there a few days and after...I just wanted to forget it." He looked up, meeting Jack's eyes finally. "But I couldn't forget it. I didn't realise until recently how much it affected me. Everything I do...I became an archaeologist because I can't deal with the present. I stayed on Abydos because it was the one place I knew it would be impossible for him to find me..."

That was a shrink talking, Jack guessed. Though it didn't make the insight less accurate, if Daniel accepted it. Still, Jack said nothing.

"And when I got addicted to the sarcophagus, and then the Light... But that day I almost killed myself...you were there. You brought me home."

Silently, confident Daniel would allow it this time, Jack reached out, pulling Daniel back against him, holding him.

"I want to...be with you, Jack. I do. But every time I think about it, when I try to imagine...us...I remember. I'm afraid I might...I could flashback or something."

More shrink talk. Jack said softly, "It's alright, Daniel."

"Is it?"

"Hey, I'm not easily scared off." He released Daniel, twisted on the couch to look into his eyes. "We don't have to do anything you're not ready for. Daniel, I want you. But as much as I love sex, I can live without it. You want to take things slow?"

He was relieved to see a weak smile. "No. I want to get over it and spend the next week in your bed. But...I don't think I can."

"You were okay with kissing me...weren't you?"

This time, the smile was stronger. "Yeah. That was good."

"Well, let's take it a step at a time. How about tonight, you come and sleep with me. No sex. Just sleep. Would you be okay with that?"

"I think so."

"I love you, Daniel. Just don't forget that."

"Love you too, Jack."

They kissed again, slow and tender. After another endless moment, Daniel whispered, "Jack...can we go to bed now?" His blue eyes were soft with trust.

"It's a little early for bed."

"I think it's just the right time."

"Whatever you say, Daniel."


	3. New Year's Eve

The cotton sheets were cool against Jack's skin as he lay back on Daniel's bed. Smiling up at the man he loved, Jack asked quietly, "Will you join me, Daniel?"

"I like to look at you," Daniel told him, as if Jack didn't know that. But he lay down with Jack anyway, reaching out to stroke his chest. "Has anyone ever told you you're beautiful?"

Jack's fingers brushed Daniel's cheek. "Only you," he answered. It wasn't a word most people would use to describe a man.

As they kissed Jack put his arms around Daniel, cuddling him close. He felt Daniel's tension melt away beneath his hands and was able to relax himself, then. Daniel lay above him, in control of the kiss. Jack felt Daniel's growing erection against his body and shifted a little, letting Daniel know he was aware of it.

Daniel drew back from the kiss to whisper, "I love you." Then he leaned down again, his mouth moving to Jack's neck. His hand slid between their bodies, fingers playing with one of Jack's nipples. Jack arched into his touch with a sigh of pleasure: Daniel had learned that one really fast. Jack had always been sensitive there.

He held Daniel closer to him and Daniel rolled onto his side, letting Jack move with him. Jack lifted a leg, laying it along Daniel's thigh. Their cocks touched like crossed swords. Jack kissed Daniel deeply, becoming lost in their lovemaking. He wanted Daniel so badly... Daniel was relaxed and compliant in his arms. He moved against Daniel and heard him sigh Jack's name. The sound of Daniel's pleasure was the best aphrodisiac in the world. Jack reached between their bodies, grasping their cocks together in his hand.

Daniel gasped. At first he thrust into Jack's hand and Jack loved seeing Daniel's enjoyment. He massaged them both, his free hand moving to Daniel's lower back, holding him close.

Then he heard, "Jack... Oh, Jack, please..." and it wasn't a sound of pleasure any more. Daniel pushed him away, rolling onto his back. 

Frustrated, Jack did the same, letting Daniel have some space. For an instant he was angry: what the hell had he done wrong this time? Then his anger collapsed under the weight of his concern for Daniel. He shifted onto his side, looking at Daniel's back. "Daniel? You okay?"

"I'm sorry, Jack." Daniel sounded as frustrated as Jack felt.

He opened his arms to Daniel. "C'mere." It was a relief when Daniel acquiesced, moving into his arms and snuggling against Jack's side. "What happened, baby? You were feeling good a moment ago."

"I was feeling great. But...I don't know if I can do this, Jack."

Jack nodded. It had taken Daniel a week to admit that. Jack had known it was coming, but even so, it was a wrench to hear it said aloud.

"It'll take time, that's all," he said, not sure he believed it himself. "Maybe we're moving too fast." But that wasn't it. He let Daniel dictate the pace, and it still seemed too much for him. Daniel couldn't seem to let himself enjoy it. 

"Maybe," Daniel agreed. He didn't sound any happier.

Jack looked into Daniel's eyes. "Tell me something. Did you have this much trouble with Sha're?"

For some reason that earned him a smile. "Um...not the same, but, I guess so." He tucked his head into the hollow of Jack's shoulder. "I was a virgin with Sha're. But so was she and I guess we had to figure it all out together." He laughed softly and the sound went straight to Jack's heart. "I was such an idiot with her...she must have wanted to throw me back and re-bait the hook. Yeah, I had problems. We got through it. But..."

"...But it's different with a man. I know."

"This is frustrating for you." 

"Well..." Not much point in lying. "Yeah, it is. Don't worry, Daniel. It won't kill me." He began to stroke Daniel's back gently. "I love you, Daniel. I won't deny it's hard, but I'll wait as long as you need. Forever if that's what it takes."

"You don't mean that."

"I do." _Just don't make me wait that long, Danny._ "Listen, Daniel, I want to be with you. And I don't mean only in bed, understand me? I won't pretend I don't want it, but I want _you_ more." When Daniel didn't answer, he added, "We'd better get some sleep. Early start tomorrow...today."

***

Daniel's eyes felt full of sand, but he couldn't sleep. Beside him, Jack was sound asleep. The warmth of his body beside Daniel was a comfort...his new security blanket, Daniel thought mockingly. It was more true than he liked to admit. Jack had been called onto the base two nights before to deal with some minor emergency, and without Jack to share the bed with him Daniel's dreams had been...terrifying. He looked over at Jack, reassured by his presence, but in the darkness he could barely even see Jack's face.

It had been a week of deliriously happy highs and crushing lows. It had been a difficult year for Daniel. He hadn't realised how much he had pinned his hopes on Jack's love until that moment on Christmas Eve, when he thought he had lost it. Then to hear Jack say he loved Daniel...it was like being reborn. They were together, and Daniel had what he wanted. Jack was wonderful...kind and understanding. That first night Daniel slept in Jack's arms and knew he was finally where he belonged.

The second night wasn't so romantic. One step at a time, Jack promised. A promise he kept. But Daniel hadn't been prepared for the depth of his reactions. He had known it would be difficult, but the dream and the reality were a long way apart. He was fine getting into bed with Jack. He loved Jack holding him and kissing him. He loved Jack's weight above him. It was when Daniel became turned on himself that his memories got in the way. Jack always knew when something was wrong, and he always stopped. But it didn't help.

Would he ever be able to love Jack the way he wanted? God! Four days when he was a kid were about to screw up his whole life.

The alarm clock shattered the silence. Daniel shut off the alarm and leaned over to wake Jack. He found Jack awake already.

"Morning," Jack mumbled, still groggy with sleep.

"Morning, Jack." Daniel kissed him.

Jack's hand snaked behind Daniel's head, lengthening the kiss. He stroked Daniel's chest, his fingers lingering at a nipple, then groaned into Daniel's mouth. "We don't have time for this." He glanced at the clock and groaned again. "Do you want first crack at the shower? I'll put some coffee on."

"Sure." It was back-to-work day: the one thing they hadn't really talked about. Daniel didn't need Jack to tell him their changed relationship would have to remain a secret at work. He knew the rules. It might not be easy, though. They had both developed little habits with each other over the past week: Jack didn't speak much about his feelings, but they were all in his actions...an unhurried hug and kiss, a brief caress as they passed each other...in the constrained environment of the SGC, Daniel was going to miss that.

Over breakfast, Daniel started the conversation they should have had several days before: would this affect work?

"We can't _let_ it affect work," Jack told him. "It's that simple. I don't think it needs to change much. We've always been close, Daniel. As long as we don't start screwing in the showers or something, no one's likely to realise we're...together." He drank more coffee then added, "I know I don't have to say this, but..."

"No one can know we're a couple. Not even Sam and Teal'c."

Jack nodded. "I'm afraid so. Maybe in time we can tell them, but not yet."

Hesitantly, Daniel asked, "Jack...just how much trouble could we get into for this?"

"_You_ can't get into trouble, Daniel. You're a civilian, the military doesn't care about your sex life. As for me...worst case scenario would be a dishonourable discharge. Theoretically I could face a court martial, but in reality that isn't going to happen. Rank has privileges, Daniel. Nothing will happen if we keep it discreet."

"Until someone like Mayborne needs something to use against you."

"There is that possibility. But when that happens, they'll always find _something_, Daniel. Their kind always do."

***

On the base, it was a normal day. SG1 had a mission scheduled for the following day, which meant Jack was tied up with reviewing mission data, while Daniel was called into a briefing with SG2, to review some MALP pictures of inscriptions on a planet they planned to visit. As he discussed the details of Roman cultures with the team, Daniel found himself reflecting on how much SGC procedures had changed. Gone were the days when they visited a planet knowing nothing more than the address and living conditions. There had been too many close calls in the early days of the project. Now they waited until they had reviewed MALP data in detail, and if that wasn't enough they explored by robotic probe before any team went through. It made the job safer...some of the time.

Some of the time. No matter what precautions they too, their lives were in danger at least once a week. Sometimes they got out of it easily...other times it was a lot harder. Knowledge of the culture could help, but sometimes... His mind wandering as the briefing turned to other things, Daniel found himself remembering some of their earlier missions. Their unauthorised mission to Apophis' ships, their visits to Cimmeria...Jack forced to send Daniel and Sam through a forest swarming with Jaffa in search of a weapon they weren't even sure existed. Would Jack be able to do that again? Give orders that sent Daniel into danger?

_We can't let it affect work, _Jack had said. Would it be so easy for him, Daniel wondered. He knew how protective Jack felt of those he loved. Shaking his head, he tried to turn his mind to SG2's mission once again.

Daniel escaped from the briefing mid-morning. Jack had warned him he would be busy all day, so rather than disturb him Daniel headed down to Sam's lab to see if she wanted coffee. Her door was open, so he walked straight in. Jack was there, leaning against the workbench with his back to the door. Sam saw Daniel enter: Jack hadn't seen him. They were evidently deep in conversation.

Jack exclaimed, "Carter, I could kiss you!" He sounded happy about something. 

Sam, her eyes flickering to where Daniel stood, answered, "Not without mistletoe you won't!"

Daniel leaned against the doorframe, a position of exaggerated casualness. "Wouldn't that be against regulations, _Colonel_?"

Jack spun around, knocking over some of Sam's equipment in his haste. "Daniel! I'm not...I didn't mean..."

"I know," Daniel said swiftly, before Jack could say something he shouldn't. 

Jack's eyes narrowed. "I fell into that one, didn't I?" He turned back to Sam, who was busy repairing her workspace. "Thanks, Carter. For the break." To Daniel he said, "Are we still on for lunch?"

"I have to finish a report, but I'll find time to eat. Sure." He watched Jack leave the room then turned to Sam with a smile. "What on earth did you say to him?"

Sam shrugged. "Search me. Is there something you need?"

"I came to ask if you wanted coffee."

"Oh. Sure. I have time." They headed to Daniel's office together. As they walked, Daniel repeated his question about Jack. He knew Jack's exclamation had been a joke, but he was also painfully aware that he and Jack were having problems. Had Jack discussed _him_ with Sam?

"I really don't know what I said," Sam insisted. "The Colonel had something on his mind, but he didn't tell me anything. I guess it's personal. So I changed the subject...I was discussing work." She sounded puzzled. "I talked about connections, circuits...nothing personal at all."

"Guess you struck a nerve," Daniel said. He relaxed a little.

Even so, when he met Jack in the mess for lunch he asked him about it anyway. 

"I didn't tell her anything, Daniel," Jack said at once.

"I know that. I trust you, Jack. But what you said to her...it sounded like you hit the jackpot or something. You confused Sam no end."

Jack laughed. "I can imagine. She was trying to bore me to death telling me about her work on that reactor. But she said something about looking at a problem the wrong way and it made me think about... I...well, I could be wrong, but I think I understand what's been going on with you. Not saying I have all the answers, but...maybe we can talk later?"

Daniel nodded nervously. "Okay." He watched Jack eat for a few moments, just playing with the food on his own plate. "Um...Sam asked if we'd like to go to her place tonight. To celebrate New Year. She says it's her turn to throw a party."

"Yeah," Jack nodded. "She asked me, too."

"Did you say you'd go?"

"I told her you and I had plans, but I'd ask you. What do you think? It might do us good to go out for a night."

Speaking quietly, so no one but Jack could hear, Daniel said, "I can't kiss you at midnight if we're at Sam's. But...maybe we should. You could probably use a night off."

"Hey. I do _not_ need a night off, Doctor Jackson. I am a long way from being tired of...this. I'll tell Carter we'll try to make it but no promises. Suits?"

"Sure."

***

Jack tilted his head back, letting the hot water stream over his face, washing the soap out of his eyes. He was angry with himself. He knew he had gone too far. There was no one to blame except himself. He had said too much... Hell, he shouldn't even _try_ to play therapist, even with Danny. He didn't know how. He was, at heart, a military man: he liked to take the direct approach. But that wasn't the best approach to take with a stressed out young man struggling with his sexuality.

He was lucky Daniel hadn't walked out.

What the hell had he been thinking? It was the first real argument they had had since Christmas day. But Daniel's anger did tell Jack one thing: he had been close to the truth.

Jack was about to step out of the shower when he heard a sound behind him. He turned to see Daniel stepping into the shower with him. 

Daniel slid his hands around Jack's waist as he moved to stand beneath the jet of water. "I'm sorry," he said.

"_You're_ sorry?" Jack lifted a hand to cup his lover's face. His lover? They weren't lovers...yet. Not completely.

"I think maybe you were right," Daniel admitted, his blue eyes meeting Jack's. "I always thought of myself as open minded...I'm in favour of gay rights, but...I guess I am a bit homophobic." He looked down, the admission obviously hard for him.

Jack stroked Daniel's cheek gently. He had been raped. At fourteen: when his own sexuality would have been developing. It wasn't surprising that he associated homosexuality with what happened to him. Even if he knew the association was unfair, it couldn't be easy to shake off. "I guess it makes falling in love with a man kinda difficult?"

Daniel nodded unhappily. "I know what I want...what you want. But...it's hard not to..."

"I know. I get it, Daniel."

"Jack..." Daniel's hands slid from Jack's waist to his ass. "I do love you. And want you. I'm trying to deal..."

"It's okay." Jack kissed him, then reached for the soap. "You don't have to apologise for anything. I was wrong to say it...whether I was right or not." He lathered the soap in his hands and began to wash Daniel's back. 

It was slippery, but fun, and Daniel didn't once object to Jack's touch. That in itself was progress. By the time he was done, the jet of water was getting chilly, and Jack turned it off quickly. He was turned on, and he couldn't help noticing that Daniel was hard, too. Jack grabbed a towel and rubbed Daniel dry, then himself. As he folded the wet towel over the rail, he glanced back at Daniel. Daniel was watching Jack...he did that a lot. 

Jack took him into his arms, holding him close. He kissed Daniel's shoulder, then his neck. Daniel's arms came up, returning Jack's hug. He rested his head on Jack's shoulder. 

This was no good. If he let Daniel go on feeling guilty, they might never get past this. Kissing Daniel's wet hair, he knew it was time. He lifted Daniel's face, looking into his eyes. "Daniel, I want you. Tonight. Now."

Daniel didn't move, but Jack felt his withdrawal nonetheless. He had expected it.

Daniel looked up at him uncertainly. "Jack, I love you..."

Jack covered his lips with his fingertips. "Ssh. I mean _I_ want _you_. I want you to take me."

The blue eyes widened. "You'd let me do that to you?"

Jack kissed him gently on his lips. "See, that's where you're all wrongheaded about this. You make it sound like it's all one sided. Daniel, I wouldn't _let_ you do something _to_ me if I didn't like it. I _want_ you to take me. I...I need it. Like you said, it's been a frustrating week."

"I - I'd be afraid of hurting you..."

"No excuses. You won't hurt me. You can't hurt me with love. If you don't want to...that's one thing. But I love you, Daniel. You have nothing to be afraid of. You'd be totally in control. And I really, really want this, Daniel. Please."

"I..." Daniel swallowed, his throat working. Then he nodded. "Let's go to bed."

***

Jack had everything they needed in the bedroom: towels, condoms, lubricant. He laid the items out beside the bed, and sat down on the edge of the mattress. Daniel looked nervous and Jack smiled encouragingly. "Relax, baby. I'll walk you through it. Unless you've changed your mind?" 

"No...I want to. But...promise you'll stop me if I hurt you."

"I promise." Jack patted the bed beside him. "You can't do much from over there."

Daniel smiled, and sat down beside Jack. "What do I do?"

Jack kissed him, moving them both onto the bed, putting all the passion he felt into the kiss. He took that part slowly, but the wait was torture. He wanted Daniel so badly, it had to be _now_. "I love you," he murmured against Daniel's mouth. 

"I love you, too. But...I'm still not sure what to do here."

_Not running away from me is a good start_. Jack tore open the wrapping of a condom. "Let's get this on you first." He added a little lube inside the condom: a trick he had learned a long time ago to increase the pleasure for the wearer. He wanted this to be as good as possible for Daniel. That done, he began to roll the rubber over Daniel's erection. Daniel took over the task and Jack let him do it. He squeezed a generous amount of lube into his own hands and lay back on the bed, preparing himself. It had been a few years since he last had sex this way...this was likely to hurt a little. He would have to be careful to make sure Daniel couldn't tell. He took his time over the preparation, stroking the lube deep inside himself. He was aware of Daniel, watching him the whole time.

"Jack..." Daniel began.

"I'm ready, Daniel." Oh, boy, was he ready!

Daniel kissed him, taking his time over it. He began to play with Jack's nipples. Jack caught Daniel's hand in his, guiding it to his erection.

"You _are_ ready, aren't you?" Daniel teased, his hand stroking Jack slowly. He sounded a lot more confident.

The teasing was driving Jack crazy. "Are you trying to make me beg again?" He rolled over, lifting himself up onto his knees. "Please, Daniel."

Daniel moved behind Jack, stroking his back and buttocks with one hand. Then he began to move into position.

"You might want to use some lube," Jack prompted him. Then he regretted it, because he had to wait for Daniel to take care of that.

The moment Daniel started to push into him was worth all the waiting. Daniel sank into him slowly, infinitely gentle. It did hurt a little, but Jack would have died before admitting it. Daniel would get scared and stop...and if blue balls hadn't killed anyone yet, Jack thought he just might be the first. He tried to relax, breathing deeply. And felt Daniel hesitate. Through gritted teeth, he threatened, "Daniel, if you stop now, I'll kill you!"

But Daniel didn't stop. Finally, he was all the way inside. "I love you," Daniel groaned, and began to move slowly. Too slowly for Jack; he pushed back, trying to urge Daniel on. Oh, god, he was good! So completely inside him... 

Jack heard himself groan and gasped out Daniel's name. Needing more, needing to come, he reached beneath himself to stroke his cock. Daniel's hand reached around Jack's body and their hands met around Jack's erection. Jack gasped, his fingers twining with Daniel's as they moved together.

And Daniel's breath was hot on his neck as he gasped out, "Love you...Jack..." 

Daniel was close. Jack, thrusting into their joined hands let himself go, too...and they climaxed at almost the same moment. 

Daniel collapsed on Jack's back. Jack felt Daniel's cheek against his skin, then felt a wetness there. Was Daniel crying? He began to turn to face him, and Daniel pulled out of him. That _hurt_! Daniel pulled out too quickly. Trying not to show it, Jack held Daniel close. "Hey, baby, why the tears?"

"'M jus' happy."

"Me too. You were great, Daniel. Really great." He kissed Daniel, then reached for a towel to clean them both up. "Do you want to stay in bed? Or shall we go party?"

"Party?" Oh, god, Sam! I forgot!"

"Relax, it's only ten o'clock. We've got plenty of time."

***

#### Two hours later...

They watched the countdown to midnight on the television. Sam had poured champagne for each of them, even Teal'c, though Daniel knew Teal'c wouldn't drink it. It wasn't really a party: just the four of them and Janet. Daniel and Jack reached the house around eleven, and they spent an hour drinking, talking. 

The seconds ticked away, on the TV, and on the clock. Daniel looked at Jack, smiling.

Then it was midnight.

Daniel followed Jack's gaze to Sam and Janet and saw — he could hardly miss —the two women kissing. And that was no sisterly gesture. He looked back at Jack, suddenly realising he must have known about them. But now Jack's eyes were on him alone. They couldn't kiss, couldn't even touch. They didn't need to. 

Jack lifted his glass of champagne, his eyes never leaving Daniel's. The whole world shrunk to just the two of them. "Happy New Year, Daniel," Jack said.

"Happy New Year, Jack," Daniel smiled. It wasn't a wish. It was a promise.


End file.
